Adios Boston...TSA at Logan are goons

11.22.08

Adios Boston. And we’re not missing you. Not in the least. So happy to get away, from the cold—it was 21 degrees this morning when we left for the airport. So happy to get away from all the nasty, irritable, crummy people you have to deal with on a daily basis in the city.

But travel is just really rolling with punches, and it started out great last night when, for some reason, we thought we our flight left at 8:30 a.m. when in reality it was 12:50 p.m. How can we live like that, you wonder? We just do. We were packing last night and doing all the things that planners would have had done days ago. Sue and I are just kind of loose and free like that. So suddenly we could sleep in on our first day of vacation. We finished packing this morning, watered the plants, tucked away all the guitars in cases, and headed for the T to go to the airport. The last time we traveled—when we went to Austin for the music festival there—we took an early flight and had to take a taxi to Logan. It cost us $35.00, just an example of how the good citizens of Boston will rip you off any way they can. There is no way that ride is worth $35.00, but in Boston you just gotta bend over and take it. Today, it was a $2.00 ride on the T. And a nice guy on the platform was nice enough to take our picture as we froze waiting for the Red Line. In the summer the breeze that comes off the bay is so welcoming. At this time of year it’s brutal and cutting.

The real shitty part came at Logan. We’re flying Continental, which is turning into a real nice surprise. The people are nice and friendly and accommodating. Checking in, we learned that Continental partners with Delta and Northwest, both of which we have membership in their frequent flier programs. Everything for Sue and me is geared to saving money and figuring out ways to travel. That we both could collect frequent flier miles on this trip was something we would jump at. The Continental rep was so nice and patient, even giving us the numbers for Northwest and Delta so we could call and get our frequent flier numbers.

I wish now that I had had the wherewithal to get her name so I could post it here, because the level of service we received was about to get ripped by the TSA goons manning security.

Rude, obnoxious, stupid, louts…keep filling in the words. You can be polite and tell people what they have to do without resorting to being little bullies. Where do they find these people? Oh, wait, I know, these are the people for whom McDonalds is too good. These are the people who got picked on when they were kids—because they are all such obvious nerds and losers. Am I being harsh? I don’ t think so. Remember: these are the incompetents who let the planes loose with terrorists on 9/11. That’s not gonna happen again, is it? Not on these losers’ watch. I bet that little legacy is emphasized during their team-building drills.

Nazi Helga yelled at Sue to go through the metal detector. The same Nazi snapped at me to take off my belt before going through the metal detector. What the…? These people can’t show a little respect? A little class?

But the real kicker came when my luggage had to be searched. I did the most unthinkable. I actually had a Swiss army knife in my hiking shoe. I had thrown it in there a couple of days ago when I was pulling gear together. I had completely forgotten about it. All of our toiletries and other dangerous carry-ons were checked in Sue’s bag. I’ve traveled with it for years, long before our idiot government ever got it in its head that Swiss army knives and bottles of shampoos will bring down a plane. So, would I really purposely try sneak it on a plane? Would I really test the mettle of this crack security staff? And lo, did I make this joker’s day. Do you get special points for averting terrorists? Do you get a special hurrah in the TSA break room?

He dug through my luggage like pig after truffles. Until he victoriously yanked the knife out of my shoe, I had no idea of anything. And I do not like being accused of something that I didn’t do. You know who I’m talking about, old man with the flesh hanging loose off your face and speaking with an Irish accent. Oh, you are such the tough guy. I do not like people who take glee from other’s misfortunes, and that’s pretty much the kind of person TSA has hired. School crossing guards who were laughed at and grew too big for their britches.

And I know you think you’re doing your duty. I know you think you’re so much better than these travelers you’re so high and mighty over, but guess what, joker? Two things. When I came back to see if I could retrieve the knife and check it, you looked downright scared when I approached you. I could see it. If you ever did find a terrorists you’d soil your cheap looking uniform. And when you told me you already put it in your locked garbage can and I just stared at you and your little buddies and shook my head, you looked like a worm, and you know you did. And here’s the kicker, Weiner Boy: Right now I’m sitting on a plane flying to Arizona for two glorious weeks where it’s sunny and warm, and sitting next to me is the sweetest redhead on the planet, and you’re back in Logan jerking off.