Going primal (again)

Started Meisner classes again last night. This time for auditioning and monologues. Open yourself up, break down those barriers, and make yourself vulnerable.

Not worried a bit about getting hurt. But I did raise my hand during the contract session where we as a class agree to what we want and don't want to have happen, and said I don't want to hurt anyone. During the last classes I took in Meisner, the people I was most afraid of were the people I knew I could annihilate. And I don't want to hurt anyone. Never again, for any reason, especially for something as silly as acting.

Starting out, I have so many prejudices and opinions. Another roomful of actors, some of whom I know, and they're all flitting about like so many birds. Me, me, me, me...look at me. So desperately in need of attention. Why? I have no idea. I've never understood this part of acting, of actors. To me, it's like a trade, like plumbing. And it's such a wonderful way to explore the world, this reality we call life, and myself.

And my first time up, paired with the prettiest actress in the class--and I knew it; why did I know that was going to happen?--I didn't pull the trigger. I wanted to, I was looking right at her, I was staring into her eyes, I was watching her face move, her face change, I was watching her try all the feminine moves that I have seen and heard so many times from women who are pretty and know it and use that piece of meat between their legs so well and I was so disappointed and at one point she said, you wanted to say something, and yeah, I did, but what would have been the point of saying, you're disappointing me, you're empty, you've got nothing, give me something new?

And I hate myself for that. Hate it. Because she is a person, sure, and like all people just trying the best she can, doing the best she can given who she is, meaning the sum total of all her experiences, and I've a good idea where all this is going to lead: I'm going to suddenly break down and be kind (that was one of the things she said--you look kind, and I wanted to say, you've got to be joking; I've heard that one before and I have no call, no reason, no ability to be kind) but I'll be kind and I'll get nailed for it.