John Mayer one of the top guitarists in the world? Well, yeah, I guess. But I can’t get past what a tweaker he seems to be in person. But…in the Rolling Stone interview, he said, “I’m attracted to what I don’t know. Everyone else I knew said things like, ‘I watched him play, and it made me want to quit.’ I never wanted to put the guitar down. I watched guys who made me want to pick it up. That’s when you have the disease…”
Years ago, before I started acting again, I would sit in the audience of a community theater production and watch the actors and say to myself, I can do better than that. Twelve years later and I’ve found myself so dissatisfied with my acting that I haven’t done anything for over a year, and what I did a year ago was pure crap. I looked back and felt embarrassed for the stage work I’ve done. God, I must have looked like such an idiot up there.
Then a few months back I saw a production of The Pillowman at the New Rep in Watertown, Mass. and thought to myself, I want to do that. I can’t yet, but I want to. I’ve found a really good teacher who is helping me tear a lot of things down. Well, she’s trying, anyway. I’m trying to lay a new foundation so I can build something that I can use to talk to audiences again, if I ever did before.
Last night I was driving home from Sue’s on the Cape, heading back to an empty apartment, knowing I wouldn’t see her for a week because of our work, and sometimes it hurts so much, I can’t explain it. Something real inside hurts. She says it’s because I’m a Libra, and the worst thing you can do to a Libra is leave them. Abandon them. I think it’s more than that.
I drove into the driveway and my truck was the only vehicle there. I knew it was going to be a long night. I just felt it, and on other nights in the past I knew the bottle of Port in the kitchen would have been my best friend. But being all alone in that house, I picked up Lulu, turned the amp up with full reverb, did the same on the guitar, and just hammered. Played Angel Mine by the Junkies in a way I don’t think they meant it played. It’s a sweet song about keeping your promise, but I played it by ripping the scab off the hurt and letting it bleed. But I’ll never betray your trust, Angel Mine. Riiiip. Nice breakthrough. Because I'm just a beginning musician, and really the greatest thrill is just getting through a song and making it sound (sort of) the way it's supposed to sound. But if you can interpret...it means you're feeling, and it means there is a glimmer of hope that you'll win the wrestling match between you and the guitar, or even better, you two can turn into collaborators.
The sole reason I act is so I can learn about this world we live in, this reality we call life. I don't care about being in the spotlight, about the glamour (ha! what glamour?) the attention that so many actors--theater-types--seem to not only desire but need. I couldn't care less if the audience likes me or not. All I want from them is for them to hold up their part of our implicit agreement: That they stay engaged throughout the performance, and I will live as truthfully as I can in the contrived setting we've established. They give me energy, and I give them truth. That's what I'd like to do anyway.
And now I'm learning a new language called music, that is showing me a new way of seeing, of experiencing and understanding this world. It's so exciting to learn something new. To travel to new parts, whether geographically on the globe or throughout the human experience.
Feeling like a baby, taking tiny steps. Wobbly steps. Can’t even talk yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment