Getting the hell outta Dodge

I’m getting the hell out of Dodge, and it’s so easy to focus on the stuff I won’t miss. The reasons I’m leaving. The dirt. The cold in the winter so frigid I could see my dog’s breath when I got home from work. So hot in the summer that pictures faded and candles melted over in the candlesticks. And not having enough money to pay for oil to heat it, or electricity to cool it.

But I did a lot of living in those couple of rooms. There were a lot of good times. Lots of loving went on there. Good family times. Good friends. Good food. I really learned to work that galley kitchen. There I first saw Sue doubled over with laughter and thought to myself, that girl’s got some life in her.

For probably the second time in my life I took charge of my life. And it was a long, hard process that's still going on. A lot of the times it was painful. So painful a lot of the times I honestly didn’t think I would make it. Chalk it up to a few select people for getting me through. Which is the reason why today my cell phone address book consists of maybe six people. You find out you don’t need a lot in this life when you experience what I went through. Which is the reason I celebrate every day I'm alive for that very reason.

I started and grew a business in that apartment. The first couple of years I swear there were times I thought I was going to be homeless. I'd wake up in the morning not knowing where the money was going to come from. Then by evening, something would have broken. I keep saying starvation and homelessness are great motivators. It was a successful business by the time I took the job I have now. Time to close one chapter and start a new one.

I learned who my friends were, and who I could count on. And I learned not to be so tough on the people I couldn’t count on. They’re all just doing the best they can. Just keep them at arm’s length, that’s all. Don’t get too close, or let them get to close to me.

I got so tired of being angry. Anger has its purpose in this world. It has its place. And some people deserve the anger directed at them. But some people have to be angry. I use anger as a shield, to protect myself from people who I think or know will hurt me. It's better to simply recognize who will hurt me

It's time to move on. I know so many people who are stuck. As a matter of fact, it seems everyone I know seems stuck and that’s another reason why I just keep to myself. I wish them well, but it’s depressing to be around people who are just stuck in their lives. People waiting out their time until retirement. Protecting their 401ks and stock options. I see so many people resting on their laurels. Or doing the same damn thing over and over and over again, until they look up and say, hey, where’d the time go? I’m watching actors I’ve known for a few years now do the same thing over and over on stage. I saw that character a few years ago on another stage, I think. Or I see the same style or mannerisms. Growth stopped a long time ago. They just act in one show after another, and it seems like it's boredom or fear that keeps them at it. Afraid to try something else. Afraid to be alone. Hey, I found out alone ain't that bad.

I want to grow. Experience new things. Know when to get out, whether it be an apartment or an acting career. Traditions and rituals are fine. They ground us. But they also bind us and limit us. That’s why I’m not so big on traditions. I like things to be different. I get bored. And boredom breeds torpor.

So, it’s all exciting and scary and a bit daunting and I know it’s just a small step but it's one that hopefully will lead to more steps. The biggest journey still starts with a single step.