Got an email from a friend yesterday and in passing she mentioned how sometimes she just doesn't feel good enough, or that she doesn't sort of measure up to people. Specifically, we were talking about what it's like to go into a certain music shop around Berklee College of Music, and how you (well, she and I, at least) feel inferior to just about everyone there.
And the set for Cuckoo's Nest is just about finished, I was looking at it last night, and I think if I had only thought of this or that how much better it would be. Things are never just okay with me; I'm never satisfied. And I get down on myself really hard. And I watch the actors and just grind my teeth, and then that's the point where I start hating myself, thinking how can I be such an asshole, why do I think I know so much, why do I think I'm so much smarter than other people, and that's where things can get really dangerous for me, because then I start to get really self-destructive.
If I can only raise the first and lower the second. If only I can feel that I do belong in a music store around Berklee, and if only I can feel okay about my talent and abilities without feeling guilty that I actually do know what I'm talking about, that I can see and comprehend things in ways that others can't...
Once I was in therapy and my therapist said to me, "You're just going to have to accept the idea that you're smart." I was blessed, or cursed, you decide, with an IQ that's on the high end of above average. I intimidate some people, piss off others, and to a lot of people come across as a freak. Over the course of my life I've spent an inordinate amount of time dumbing down, just trying to fit in. And it gets really tiring. Hence, wanting to just get away from it all and be a bum, live on the beach, read, drink a beer, play guitar, and just tell everyone to just go to hell.
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