Not feeling too good today

Today it just feels like the whole job/modern world/life thing just isn't panning out. We race to a job to make money (but not enough) to pay off a life that at least I never wanted. Obligations to people who at best are superficial to our lives...who if we died today might take a second out of their days to consider but wouldn't feel any real loss.

The work I do (or don't do, as the case may be) really isn't worth much. I exchange my life for money. That's what I do. Sue, at least, helps people. She fights and is frustrated and mostly wins small skirmishes, sometimes big battles, and there are days when someone lives one more day because of what she does. I've always wanted that in my life: to really matter. The Catcher in the Rye. That's what we all wanted at some point in our lives, then we chuck it aside. It gets lost in the rush for careers and big TVs and even bigger cars. That's why being a beach bum is so appealing to me: If I can't help people and make a difference, then at least I don't want to hurt anyone. Just put me someplace where I won't, because in the past I've been so destructive.