Back on the merry go round

A life can be ruined in one quick second. Or over a very short period of time. But rebuilding one is a long, slow process, one tiny step at a time, and a lot of the time you don't even know you're making progress. Most of the time it certainly doesn't feel like it. Not a lot of joy. Joy comes later. You just hurt a lot. There's a lot of three steps forward, two steps backward. And a lot of long backsliding. It's only after a long time when suddenly you notice the change. You're not only going to live, but you're actually living again.

There's fear. There will always be fear. Fear that something will happen again. There are parts of you that are so vulnerable and you know you'd be completely defenseless and that that person is still out there and unbelievably cold and hard, as uncaring of you as a Nazi. And you can't ever completely trust people again. Not after what that person did.

And there's anger. You wouldn't be human if there wasn't a certain amount of anger. That someone treated you the way they did. And got away with it. Got away with murder. That's good and bad. The anger can drive you. The anger is the opposite side of how you sometimes feel like an absolute piece of garbage. The way you were thrown aside. Pieces of garbage don't get angry. But the anger can eat you up, too. Because in this society, we're not allowed to direct the anger at the source. You can thank liberals and lawyers for that. Sometimes I think the Wild West was better than what we have today. Civilization. The great thing about being an actor is so many great playwrights give you a lot of great lines to use in your own life. From Sam Shepard's Buried Child: I don't do well in town.

But worse things have happened to other people. You see that. But it still sets you apart. You're different from the rest of people you see. Different from the rest of the people you know. (But they think you're the same.) But you can't help but wonder who's like you, too. Because you know they're out there. You've talked to some of them. That's one of the first things that happens. You find out you're not completely alone.

So the world goes on, and eventually you hop back on. But you're different from the last time you were aboard the playground merry-go-round. And you're not necessarily happy to be back on the ride again. It's all pretty boring, and you know how everything is going to turn out, I think like I've said before, it's like watching reruns on television.