A train to South Station

Yay! My daughter is on the train and I'll see her in about a half hour.

I hate hearing about parents who've deserted their kids. Fathers get a bad rap; mostly for being deadbeat dads, but ask Sue, mothers can be just as bad as fathers. They run. They are just as abusive as men. Only different.

I hate hearing parents yell at their kids or complain about them. I haven't lived with my kids for seven, going on eight years. And there are so many times I question if I did the right thing. I hung on in the marriage for so long with the kids. But then people say it's not right for kids to see a bad marriage. It gives them a bad model.

But then I think of all the things I could have done with my kids. I make a pretty good dad. (I guess just a lousy husband.) I think about them missing out on having a father there everyday, and me being with my kids. I missed kissing their sleeping heads every night when I wasn't with them. And a while back, when I missed my kids so much, I'd sleep in my daughter's bed in my apartment, like I was holding her. Funny, and strange and a little stupid, huh?

And worst of all, it's how I left them. I left their mother for another woman, who turned out to be...well, I'm not sure what she turned out to be. But everything that came out of her mouth that caused me to leave turned out to be a lie to begin with, or she took back. It's the hardest thing in the world for me to admit that I was so dumb and so desperately alone that I actually swallowed her BS.

My kids have forgiven me, and even, I think, learned a bit about life that most kids don't learn. I've been as honest as I can with them. About loving them and missing them. I made it clear I didn't leave them, but their mother. And well, these things happen in life. Still, I wonder what they think sometimes.

But, when one of my daughters calls me, like the one did last night for Valentine's Day, or I get a text message from her, my heart just jumps. Or when I know one's on a train to come see me. I know they still love me despite who I am and what I did.

Pretty sad and silly for a Friday night, huh? But it's life. And you just have to live it, that's all.